from judy's point of view

Two major events happened this week.  One good and one not so good.  The not so good is not the focus of this post however I wanted to use this to track a point in time so I can look back and understand the circumstance of this weekend.  
The good is my husband's family.  This family is very close -- they look out for each other.  They support each other.  If someone is not doing well, they band together and protect the vulnerable.  They are awesome.   Not that they haven't been this way, I am amazed from what I've seen and heard - how loving and supportive they are to one another.  I've been invited into their family with open arms and taken cared of as if I was one of them all along.  They threw a surprise birthday party Saturday morning and showered me with gifts.  I've been invited to the "girls night out" events with the women of the family.  I have so much fun with the family and the greatest part is that I just have to be myself.  I want to thank them for their generosity and the trust that they give me to be part of the family.  I only hope that I can do the same and live long the love and support for my future family. 

OMG I just turned 30.  I am having a major life crisis.   I made goals to get married, have kids, and live in a nice home in the suburbs.  I had goals that I've traveled and seen the world by the age of 30.  What do I have to show for in the last 3 decades?  It's getting harder to loss weight, my body and skin isn't perky and good at resisting the harshness of the world.  My skin is no longer smooth and wrinkle free.  I am 30 and can I really have kids?! What will I be doing in the next 30 years?

That is the stuff that goes through my head today.  It initially depressed me and had put a number of my fragile mind.   However just thinking about the major accomplishments I've had in my life I'm happy that I had made conscious decisions to at least made baby steps to meet my goals.  I got married to a wonderful husband.  I have kitties who gives me unconditional love.  I am getting my masters in June.  I am among people that exemplifies love and support for one another.  Because of that, I am doing great and that makes the the happiest person in the world.  Sure, I’m not where I thought I’d be when I reached 30, but you know, I’m pretty happy with where I am.  It’s so cliche, but I feel like I have so much ahead of me.  There are so many exciting things happening in the world and so many opportunities to grow personally and professionally.  I’m glad to have my place in all of it, at least until things change again and I go off on my next adventure... BRING IT ON! 

"Trust is quite a powerful relational dynamic. Having it exist mutually between two people is can be magic. When trust combines with a depth of self-disclosure, then there is even more power. Respect grows. In fact, when mutual trust rises, so do many relational quality indicators.

And yet, the stronger trust becomes, the more vulnerable the relationship becomes. How ironic. The trust paradox demands that the relationship become stronger by way of exposing weakness.

Now, don’t get me wrong, vulnerability is not weakness. I define it as the extent to which a person could be hurt by another. It is the extent to which a person reveals his or her softest spots. It is a willingness to be unprotected in the presence of another."

via http://fajita.wordpress.com/2006/12/11/trust-paradox/

The above quote resonated me and stood out for me.  I'm getting a better understanding about how trust is a foundation of building any relationship.  I trust that my husband will not cheat on me, tell me what is bothering him, or support me in my decisions.  I trust my kids to do the right thing when he/she is pressured to do and act something they are made to feel.  I am confident that if I need a friend's advise or my family to help I will get that support.  Trust is not giving to me automatically and for me to develop that connection, I have to express it that I'm wanting your trust.  If you give it back to me, I would be happy to build that relationship with you.  And if you don't,  I am okay with it because you can't force someone to trust you back.  This exchange of trust is a connection that I share with that person.  Trust is something that can't be created out of thin air and some relationships takes time to grow and some relationships are incompatible.  It is important to me to build trust with any relationships.  I would like my boss to trust me in finishing my project. In return, I would like to trust my boss that he will make sure I get recognized for my accomplishment.

Making new year resolutions?

I've read Clementine's post on resolutions according to women and the report completely nails down what I would say I would do.  I've made my resolutions in past years and it's always the same crap: be healthy, exercise, lose weight, save money, blah blah.  And how closely do I keep my promises?  Not at all.  It is completely disappointing and depressing to not be able to motivate and commit to those issues.   And to me those are my core values that I am messing up year after year.  If I really want to make changes to my life I plan on making that change instantly (here and now).  Why should i wait for that magic moment to act on it?  I am making an excuse to procrastinate and that is something I am great at.  If any resolutions should I make, it should be taken lightly, fun, new, unique and can be accomplished short-term. 

I've just finished a book called Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini.  This book is an earlier edition of what is out now, Influence: Science and Practice, but speaks to the same principles in detail and application.  I picked this book for personal reasons.  I needed guidance on how to frame ideas and thoughts in ways that people can understand me.  So, I went to this book to seek out answers. Instead, I found this book useful in other ways.  This is a great book if you want to learn the science behind influencing people, when those tactics are being used, and how to deal with them.  Each chapter goes into depth about tactics - examples of how they are used, theories developed from experiments and studies, reasons why people are compelled, how to use it, and how to deal with it when it is against you.

Here are some key points from the book (see links below):

• Reciprocation - People tend to return a favor.
• Commitment and Consistency - If people commit, orally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment. Even if the original incentive or motivation is removed after they have already agreed, they will continue to honor the agreement.       
• Social Proof - People will do things that they see other people are doing.        
• Authority - People will tend to obey authority figures, even if they are asked to perform objectionable acts.        
• Liking - People are easily persuaded by other people that they like.        
• Scarcity - Perceived scarcity will generate demand.          

After reading this book, I have more questions.  Sure, I tune into influence tactics used on me.  The sales/marketing department of an organization know how to get people to "want" their product.  But it's harder to identify those that use subtle tactics.  But what gets me is if these tactics are used by so many people and different reasons - good or bad.  How do I know if I think a certain way is based on my decision and not from external factors? Can I stop being so easily influenced? What makes it okay to be influenced and is it ethical to be influenced?

Links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Cialdini
http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing20.html
http://blog.guykawasaki.com/2006/04/book_review_inf.html#axzz0SVybMZLm